3.04.2010

Final note

Here we are. 55.273 visits and 149 mistakes later. Oh. is closing now. The one thing to conclude? 99% of all our mistakes relates to love. Never stop loving. Never stop making mistakes.

All the best.

/Oh.

oh. number one hundred and forty-nine.

In the process of finding the best friend I've ever had, I deserted my former best friend, hurting her and making her feel like i forgot her. I never meant to lose her. I don't think I can ever fix things. I'm sorry...

oh. number one hundred and forty-eight.

ive always felt like ive been hated and no one cares about me. ive lied to people and told them i cut and tried to kill myself when ive never tried either..its horrible because i say that thinking people would care more.but they dont. and every time i hear about some doing these things it tears my heart out..oh please oh please forgive me.

oh. number one hundred and forty-seven.

when we met, i was engaged to someone else but i knew the second that you said hello that you were in love with me. i didn't like you very much, because i knew that your constant bragging was all a lie and i hated the way that you couldn't admit you were wrong. but it didn't matter because we lived hundreds of miles away from each other, and only saw each other at the occasional party when i returned to visit my family.

after three years of being casual acquaintances, my engagement ended (thank goodness i didn't marry him) and i returned to the city where you lived, tail between my legs, to stay with my family while i figured out what to do next. we started spending more and more time together, making my best friend jealous, and eventually you stopped making up stories to impress me. you were so sweet, kind, and supportive - i'll never forget how you drove to my college to pick me up and drive me to my car, because it was raining.

my biggest mistake was telling you i loved you. seven years later, we are married. you are cold, withdrawn, and angry. i am trapped in two relationships - the one i thought i had, and the one i actually have. i wish i had let you just love me from afar forever.

oh. number one hundred and forty-six.

After 11 years still haven't finished my diploma... now putting all the effort in it, I rarely go out, embarrassed to face ex-schoolmates and ex-employers.

oh. number one hundred and forty-five.

I started pretending to be someone I'm not when I started college so people would like me. It's four years later and all I can think about is how much I'm lying to everyone I know.

oh. number one hundred and forty-four.

Yesterday was my 18th birthday party, i ended up sleeping with one of my friends. Later on I told my girlfriend what I did. I hardly remember what happened and I have never regretted something so much. I've failed the both of us.

oh. number one hundred and forty-three.

I went out last night with my girlfriend for her birthday. I started to feel really uncomfortable and had to leave, which really pissed her off. Now I am alone for valentine's day and I have hurt the only person in this world I care about.

oh. number one hundred and forty-two.

It's been almost a year now since my first grilfriend broke up with me.

I'm dating someone else now.

I still have feelings for my first girlfriend.

oh. number one hundred and forty-one.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and never want to lose him but After something that happened to someone very close to me I don't trust him. That fact kills me a little every minute I'm with him.

oh. number one hundred and forty.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years now. I am inlove with someone else.
He can sense there is a distance but I deny it.
I wish I could be less of a coward and tell him the truth.
But I am afraid of losing him forever.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-nine.

I continued hooking up with other guys even after we discussed that we were being exclusive. Even though you never found out, I can't help but realize that I should have loved you as much as I do now that we're not together.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-eight.

I've been thinking about my regrets, so here it goes:

I don't say what I mean, and in the end I feel like one of the worst people I know. I make excuses for not doing things that I know will disappoint others, I give advise that I myself don't follow, and I am hard pressed to give people the honest truth. I hesitate to give my opinions or answers because I feel like my reply will be displeasing, although I know fully well that I should speak up. I hide behind the "shy" persona because I'm too tired to be enthused or adventurous. I'm scared, but also unable to see myself changing gears and taking things in a different direction. In short, I feel like a louse because I'm deceptive, feel guilt, and can't see fit to change.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-seven.

I have a boyfriend of six months and I can't help but look at other boys and think maybe they could be better even though he's the best boyfriend I've had yet
I wish I could be content

oh. number one hundred and thirty-six.

I don't think I love my boyfriend anymore.
But he seems to keep on falling for me,
and my reoccurring mistake is that I'm too scared to end it with him.
First loves are a bitch.
Oh.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-five.

I regret letting all the fun and games get in the way of what's really important. Social time should be just that: social, but every time I open my mouth I just end up screaming. And now here I am, fighting to retain everything that I have going for me because I didn't listen.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-four.

A few months ago I moved in to an apartment with a friend, of the other gender, and I had no feelings for them. I had developed a close friendship with them from us always being together. Well, I have developed strong emotions toward her. I tried to cover them up and push them away by trying to date another person, but they only are pushed to the forefront by me talking to her about the other girl. I want to break up with the other girl and tell my room-mate how I feel, but I can't because I haven't had a friend this good ever and don't want to loose her. I am trapped in this whole because of the fact I started dating other girl. I can't be happy because I always have to see my room-ate, the girl I have feelings for.....

oh. number one hundred and thirty-three.

I’ve fallen in love with her too many times. It has never worked out. I always end up hurt… and it’s happening again.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-two.

#1: I allowed myself to turn a blind eye to the obvious flaws we had - even after the big meltdown and my day moving between jail and hotels.
#2: I became selfish and asked for things I shouldn't have to mask our dispassionate state of affairs: actions may speak louder than words but you can't let them do all the talking.
#3: I became vindictive and envious after you moved on.
#4: I took advantage of people to compensate for my loneliness.
#5: I became selfish again.
#6: I let myself become angry and resentful of my isolation, rather than breaking the pattern.
#7: I let your cruelty inspire me to be cruel.
#8: I have not yet apologized.

oh. number one hundred and thirty-one.

I should have told my boss that, even if he doesn't think so, it's okay to make mistakes, mostly when learning or creating. I didn't, now he thinks I'm dumb.

oh. number one hundred and thirty.

I lied to the girl I fell in love with immediately to cover up all my downfalls and to make myself look better then I was. Letting my insecurities get the best of me influenced my relationship to a point where I will never look the same to her ever again, and the eyes I look into will always be filled with doubt. I apologize my love.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-nine.

i fell in love with you. despite everything. i fell in love with you. and no matter how hard i try to forget how utterly amazing you were and are. how much i try to move on. i cant help but dream about you.
i try to convince myself i dont want you back and if you called me up today i wouldnt drop everything and the very nice new boy i have to be with you. just for another day.
even worse? i've let another boy fall in love with me when i just can't love him back 100% because a good chunk of my heart is still with you. who i didnt even know.

i feel so stereotypical and stupid.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-eight.

I regret that in the last 18 years of my life, i've never told you what you really make me feel inside. I'm sorry that you were sick, and that part of you still is, but it's not right to make me deal with it, or to let your illness grow onto me. I'm supposed to be your daughter, not the other way around... i regret that i've let you walk all over me...

oh. number one hundred and twenty-seven.

i fell too hard.

i always do.

two summers, and she leaves again.

i promise not to do this again. . .

until next summer.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-six.

My girlfriend got pregnant.I wanted to keep it, but I told her I would agree with whatever she wanted and told me she wanted an abortion. She was 17 at the time so we had to drive to another state that would do an abortion on her. A year later she told me she wish she had kept it. This is what destroyed our relationship because to support her I told her that's what I wanted. I still love her.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-five.

I don't know what my biggest mistake was, telling you I still loved you two years after it was over, or getting my hopes up when you told me "maybe sometime in the future" two nights ago. I can't keep waiting for you.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-four.

For at least the past year, I have not been able to keep a single friend. Either I would find some fault with them that couldn't be overlooked, or they would cause a problem for me that I couldn't get over, and eventually I would create a new IM account, or temporarily stop using the programs altogether just to get away from them.

It's worrisome, because it is a proven fact that one lives longer if they have a sizeable circle of friends, and I also don't want to go through the rest of my life alone, but on the other hand, I also do not want to keep doing this to others, or to myself.

That may change with time, but for now, my biggest mistake has been thinking that things would be different every time I met somebody new.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-three.

When I was 13, I found out my best friend in the entire world was cheating on me. We had been together for two years prior. And yes, I realize that this seems quite young to fall so helplessly and irrevokably in love with someone but that's what happened. I was sitting in his living room when he told me what was tearing him apart for weeks. He really loved me. I knew that. And he begged me to forgive him. Called me every day and left tear filled messages on my voice mail. For three months, I ignored him. We were both miserable without each other but I never said a word. Then one day out of the blue, he called. One last chance to try and make it right. I let him come over and we talked. He said he couldn't live without me. Which I know seems melodraumatic but I knew he meant it. I replied, saying I couldn't let myself be that vulnerable again. He left crying. Then a month later, I got a call from his mother telling me that he had commi tted suicide the night before.

Because of me, a young life was cut short. And to this day, I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-two.

My mistake was taking care of too many people at the same time and forgetting that I also need to be taken care of. If I had known this earlier, maybe I wouldn't have cried alone so much.

oh. number one hundred and twenty-one.

I didn't believe my boyfriend when he said how much he loved me.
I tried to make him jealous, and then laughed when he got angry.
I broke up with him when he needed me the most, made his life (and mine) hell, and slept with three other men to convince myself that I didn't still love him. I'm sorry I can only tell him about two of them. He just will never be able to understand.
I was too full of pride to go back to him and say I was sorry, and that breaking up was a mistake.

I'm SO HAPPY that these things are behind us, and we are happy and back together and things are the way they used to be...because I was SO close to throwing away four years with the only man I will ever and could ever love. And I'm so lucky that he loves me enough to forgive me, and was strong enough to take me back.

It's been a long time since thinking about those memories has made me cry, but reading everyone else's mistakes has made me realize how much mine still affect me.

But not a day goes by that I don't think (even fleetingly) about the excruciating pain I caused him. And I wish that would change.

oh. number one hundred and twenty.

My ex-boyfriend thought I cheated on him. I waited too long to try to talk to him and try to explain what happened. Now that I want to be friends he won't return my calls. Everybody also thinks that I broke his heart on purpose.

oh. number one hundred and nineteen.

I told my mum that he wanted me back; that he didn't know what love really is and he just needs some time to work some things out. She asked me, "if he was ever going to love you, wouldn't he have learned what love is in your two years together?"

...........oh.

oh. number one hundred and eighteen.

I've always calculated out every little social move in my life.
One day, I let my heart be free with out giving it a second thought, for I had been head over heels for this particular person for two years.
Sadly, that person didn't want my heart, but only the body encasing it.
The person threw me out like yesterday's news as soon as I refused sex, because I wanted something more with them.
That person was the ringleader of my friend circle, and now I've been ostracized.

But that's not my mistake.

My mistake is the fact that I'm still mind-numbingly in love with that person, and I keep thinking they'll come back for me.

oh. number one hundred and seventeen.

That night, I was more worried about remembering the Reese's cup I had just bought from the vending machine than I was about kissing my mother goodnight. She kissed me goodnight every night that she was able, but I couldn't remember to tell her goodbye before she died.

oh. number one hundred and sixteen.

i started drinking my freshman year in college because i couldn't bear the thought of coming out bisexual to my parents. then i picked up smoking because i was guilty over the minor consuming alcohol citation that drinking got me. my last relationship ended over a year ago, i'm ridiculously lonely and the two people i worked up the courage to ask out turned me down, so naturally i continue using both because i'm under the impression that there's no harm in destroying a body that nobody else wants. now that i met someone who helped me realize a lot of things about myself, i've been lifted to a point where life is good again and i'm ready to cut back on booze and cigarettes. my one regret is not seeing that life is good, sooner.

oh. number one hundred and fifteen.

I have an anger problem. When I drink, I can't control it. I hit the love my life...more than once. She forgave me those times, but not this time. I lost sight of everything. I could only think about what was wrong with our relationship, and now she hates me. I lost a love, and a best friend, and now all I can do is attempt to fix what's wrong with me.

oh. number one hundred and fourteen.

i was pregnant. now i'm not. it was too early. we are ok. and yes, oh in a good way.

oh. number one hundred and thirteen.

I have allowed myself to become so emotionally detached from the people around me that they seem foreign to me now. I don't allow myself to get attached to people as an overcompensation for my depression, and it only makes it worse. My friends no longer want to confide in me, and my last girlfriend was driven to tears and broke up with me because I "stopped loving her." I do love her, but I was too detached and afraid to show it.

oh. number one hundred and twelve.

I continue to suppress my feelings for her. She is the most beautiful, smart, inspiring person I have ever known...and I'm unable to bring myself to confess this to her out of fear of rejection.

oh. number one hundred and eleven.

How could I have let myself get attached? And I keep telling myself, "He'll be back, he'll be back." It's only been a couple of weeks, yet I feel miserable. But I've never discovered so much about myself. Should I say thank you, or ask why? It doesn't matter I guess, because I still want him back.

Hey, you'll never see this, but please, please come back. I need you.

oh. number one hundred and ten.

I made the mistake of falling for my best guy friend. Our friendship/attraction is practically right out of the movies - we glimpsed eachother across a crowded room and since then we haven't been able to leave eachother alone. He has the whole butterflies-in-stomach-heart-skips-a-beat-weak-at-the-knees effect on me and no matter how hard I try to move on, whatever relationship I get into, I end up sabotaging because I can't stop thinking about him. I made the mistake of confessing my feelings to him not once - but four times. I guess I hoped he'd change his mind but he never does and I end up feeling humiliated and defeated. He's just too easy to fall in love with.

oh. number one hundred and nine.

Sunday, we bought groceries. I didn't notice raisins in the bag.
Later on Sunday, I put the groceries bag on the kitchen floor.

Tuesday, I walked into house to find plastic wrapper "Chocolate-covered Raisins, 12 oz.", empty, with dog-chew marks.
(I happen to have read somewhere that raisins are dangerous to dogs, in the past 3 months.
Maybe here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grape_and_raisin_toxicity_in_dogs)

I took dog to Animal Hospital. They induced vomiting, fed him charcoal, put him on intravenous fluids.
I asked if he will live, and the doctor said "too early to know"

oh. number one hundred and eight.

i think im in love with a girl that feels nothing back. i blew it with her once, and i now believe that was the worst mistake of my life. i met her, and casually hung out with her. then she got a new boyfriend, and i couldn't stop thinking about her. when she broke up with him i hung out with her again, casually. thinking back on it she was basically throwing herself at me. then she got another boyfriend, and again i couldn't stop thinking about her. now that shes broken up with him, because of me, i've told her how i feel about her and she threw the "its too soon" excuse my way. i can't stop thinking about her, no matter how hard i try...

oh. number one hundred and seven.

Where to begin...
There are so many mistakes in my life right now
I guess you could say that I have the mistake of not being able to succeed at things
I am 18. In college. still living at home. no license. no car. no job.
I feel like a total loser and I feel like I am not living my life the way I should be
living it..so should I make the mistake of giving up the hope that I will get
the things that I am lacking?

oh. number one hundred and six.

i am not who you think i am.

oh. number one hundred and five.

I keep loving him, he hurts me, I cry. I love him. Love him and need him, need him to make my heart beat.
My heart broke when we broke up, it broke when I found out he cheated on me, it broke when he lied, it broke all those times he didn't call when I needed him to.
It still breaks, I keep letting him into my heart, only to make the edges even more frail and it's breaking this moment. My mistake is that I can't leave him, I didn't speak to him for six months, but now I am making the same mistake all over again. I keep loving him.

oh. number one hundred and four.

My mistake was thinking that I had a chance with her, a hot, popular, smart young woman. I rarely get the chance to see her in person, and so never get to talk to her outside of AIM. Even online, everything i say seems to make me look like a dumbass.

oh. number one hundred and three.

I love you, but I won't break up with my boyfriend. So I keep lying to him and string you along. And because of this I always thought I didn't deserve to know you, to talk to you everyday, but I was able to get on with my life.
But last weekend happened, and you talked to those girls.
It's been two days since we last spoke.
I'm so alone without you.

oh. number one hundred and two.

I slept with a boy while my only real love was away. It was years ago. I never told my lover, even though I'm still with him. I can't now, but it still makes me sick to think about.

oh. number one hundred and one.

i make myself nauseous. i think mean thoughts about people i like. i drink alone. i scorn people who drink. i'd use drugs if i knew how. i resent my dad and pity my mom. i don't like to be touched. my friends think i'm funny, but i'm actually really depressed. next year i'm going to harvard. i don't know what i'm going to do with my life.

i wish i had asked for help before i got to my current state of self-loathing.

oh. number one hundred.

I introduced my two closest friends to each other. I don't have any contact with them anymore. The only thing I know about them is that travel the world together...